June 21st, 1990

June 21st, 1990

If there is one defining date in my life (beside my wedding day and my son's birthday) it has to be June 21st. More specifically, June 21st, 1990. So much of who I am today is a direct result of that date. It's not very often you can point to your own timeline on a chalkboard and like Doc Brown, definitively state that this is the exact moment your future was written.

On June 21st, 1990, my twin brother, John, passed away from pneumonia. We were born HIV positive only a year and a half earlier on March 22nd,1989, and though we had just begun treatment at the National Institute of Health, his immune system was already too weak. He was unable to fight any longer. But our time at NIH allowed for the much needed data and research to help pave the path forward so that others who were born HIV positive could live long healthy lives.

I don't have any of my own memories of John. Instead, I have the stories others have told me about him. "Oh he liked pulling on your hair all the time" my mom would tell me and so eventually the statement formed these uncanny visualizations in my brain of him actually pulling on my little baby hairs. It feels similar to how AI videos and images are created. The end result is almost accurate... but not quite right.

One of the things I know about John is that he had "Big Feelings", which is a term I use all the time with my son. It is something I didn't fully comprehend until Milo was born. This desperate instantaneous desire for all things at once while also simultaneously being so unsure what in fact you really need but you need it and you need it NOW. Watching Milo grow over these last three months has been beautiful but also a massive reminder of just how little John was when he passed and how gut wrenching that experience had to be for my mother. John could only be comforted by her and he needed that comfort 24/7, whereas I could be passed around among the family with no real fuss. I was called the content baby. This checks out as even to this day I prefer not to make waves or cause any issues. In fact, if you invite me over to your house and offer me water, I will insist I don't need any, I'm fine, even if I'm dying of thirst. But that shouldn't become your problem, you shouldn't have to walk ten feet to the kitchen because of ME.

Another thing I know about John is that he said his first word before I did. "Dog". Great choice. Simple. Classic. 10/10 no notes. It does make me wonder though, had he survived, would we be forever chasing milestones with one another? Always worried the other was one step ahead. I don't feel like I'm all that competitive as a person but I also don't have this mirror standing next to me showing me all the ways I could be. I won't ever know for sure but its an interesting thought experiment.

After he passed away, things changed of course, in a lot of big ways but also a few small ones. I suddenly could only be held by mom. No longer was I the baby of the party. And then, my first word came shortly after and it was "dog".

Now what does this mean? If it means anything at all. I think it depends on what you want and need it to mean. It could be as simple as I was missing my twin and needed my mom for comfort. And then, having heard him say the word, I thought, why yes, "dog", this will be it. This will be my word as well. Or perhaps, as a very wise baby, I knew they needed time to be with one another and I stepped back. Waiting in the wings with a knowing nod. Soon will be my time. Very wise baby of me. Or, it means his soul leaped from his body and entered mine, taking it over exorcist style. "I'm the very wise baby captain now". Who is to really say?

Whether literally or not, he will forever be with me and when I was sixteen, I helped keep his memory alive by getting his portrait tattooed on my arm. "Two bodies, One Soul, In Loving Memory 3/22/89 - 6/21/90"

In my early thirties, I began dating the woman who would become my wife. My darling, Carey. If you're lucky enough in life, eventually you will meet someone who you instantly know is your soulmate. Its the kind of thing that you hate hearing about until it happens to you. She has changed me forever. Restructured cells in my body kind of change. Each and every single day with her makes me a better person. I always assumed that being in a relationship meant we had to put up with a certain level of friction. I used to refer to it as "The Everybody Loves Raymond-ness" That's what I grew up with, from both my mom and dad, and my mom and step-dad. I would assume friends of mine who had parents that loved one another, they were the anomalies who clearly had skeletons in their closet. Because yelling "I hate you" is just another way of saying "I love you" Right? Right?! Anyway.... not with Carey. With Carey, each day the effortlessness of our love is a reminder of its absence in my life before she came into it.

Parenting alongside her has been a dream. We've of course had our stressed out moments but the level of communication and care we take with each other is the thing I cherish most. We want to be there. We want to be the best we can. We want to make sure that we both feel empowered and we want to be the example of the annoyingly happy parents Milo's future friends can despise.

When Carey and I first began dating she had noticed my tattoo. The one of my twin brother, John. This was very early on. One day, she said to me "I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I don't think you'll ever forget my birthday." It turns out that the month, day and year she was born... I think you can guess it at this point. June 21st, 1990. The same day I lost my twin brother, my soulmate came into this world.

Now what does this mean? Again, I think it can mean what you want or need it to mean. Could it be just a wild coincidence? A tragic but beautifully timed moment? Or as some have said when I've shared this story, is it twin my brother leaving this world and sending along my future wife? Logistically I'm not quite sure how that would work out as she was already being formed before his passing. Or as others have claimed, is it my twin brother now in the body of my wife? If so, I have some weird Big Feelings about that myself.

What matters most is that this day became a full circle kind of day. One of mourning and celebration. A day stamped in my record books and one that clearly has incredible meaning. A lottery number day. A day where my future was written.

So what am I planning to do on this June 21st? I think most importantly what this day is for me, is a day to celebrate my wife, Carey, and to celebrate life in general. Because it is too short. I can honor John by living my life and by spending time making memories with Carey and Milo. Its a day to be kind to ourselves, to eat lots of good food, including plenty of cake. To relax, rest and remember that relationships don't have to be like "Everybody Loves Raymond". John wouldn't want it to be a day of too much pensive reflecting... I know this because like me, he too, was a very wise baby.